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Today something terrible happened to me. I sat down on a toilet that had the seat left up by a careless man. Me. In 34 years on this planet I have never done this. Truthfully, I had always wondered why woman got so upset over this. But as I plunged ass hole deep into that icy drink and felt the sting of freezing water kiss the back of my sack I came to terms with the treachery of not replacing the toilet seat back to its down position. I am not working on a livid bruise that doubles as a tramp stamp and conjuring the courage needed to admit I was gang raped by germs. In fact the smearing of my fresh but cheeks down the inner bowl not only left my ass covered in enough bacteria to cure ebola, but made it the number one thing on my short list of gross shit I should never do again.

All I can say to women everywhere is I’m really really really sorry.

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